Friday, January 10, 2014

"Water Broke" Emotions: A Meltdown

Yeah, so remember my last post?  I compared a pregnant mom’s water breaking to this time that I’m in right now, waiting for Embassy.  “It is a time of complete preoccupation with your children.  Tears come easily, and the adoptive mom may not want to see anyone because she’s an emotional disaster.”  I was a teary-puddle last night for a variety of reason but mostly because of sheer fright!  

I think the emotions began as I contemplated being gone all weekend away from my husband at a ladies’ retreat.  Seriously, there are so few evenings left with just my husband and without any kiddos.  I selfishly don’t want to sacrifice them.  

Also, after the barrage of blogs I’ve read and activities I’m doing, I just got scared.  I appreciate people’s vulnerability, and I appreciate a reality check about motherhood.  No, I don’t expect it to be all peaches and cream.  There will be nutty moments, I completely understand this.  But I guess I got caught up in the anticipation of imminent doom.  

For example: one blog was about how lonely mothers get and how hard it is to meet other moms and get social interaction.  Ugh.  One blog was about “after the airport” and how a family gets so stressed after they bring their kiddos home and the novelty of black children has worn off.  Ugh.  I met with a friend (wonderful girl, wonderful mom, love her to pieces) yesterday afternoon and she shared in passing how, since they only have one car, she is pretty isolated when her husband is at work.  Ugh.  I’m scrapbooking our Ethiopia trip and looking at pictures of my Little Man screaming, envisioning years of such behavior.  Ugh.  And my Baby Girl not smiling.  Ugh.  I am looking at my house with about 18 projects in-process, and wondering how I am going to finish them all in the next few weeks.  Ugh.  And no, there is nothing anyone can do to help.  Ugh.  Oh, and the pile of laundry and dishes.  Double Ugh.  

I ended last night curled in the fetal position next to Philip, tears streaming down my face, wishing I had more time with just him.  The last 7 ½ years have been great.  There have been some hard (oh, so incredibly hard) times, but our marriage has been strong by the grace of God.  I am not waiting on babies to be happy.  I’m happy and content with just Philip.  The idea that all this will change and be a distant memory is freaky.  The joys of parenting were elusive last evening.

How on earth am I going to do this??  If one more person pats my hand and says, “Oh, it’ll be fine.  You are going to be a great mom! Your kids are so lucky.”  I just may be rude.  Accidentally, of course.  I don’t feel fine and I don’t know that I’m going to be a good mom.  In fact, I feel rather like a disaster right now, completely incompetent, completely oblivious, completely unprepared for screaming, crying, pooping, loneliness.  Maybe that is what happens when your water breaks.  You realize that the “end is near” and you freak out.  Theoretically, with some breathing and pushing, it will pass in time.

Thankfully, we have a good God.  His Word is true.  When He says that my kiddos are a gift and a reward (Ps. 127), ok.  I will trust that.  He gives good gifts.  Screaming gifts, but still the gift is good.  It is a blessing from the Most High to be entrusted with these two precious lives.  Hmm.    

So, I’m holding on to that truth today, and pressing ahead with God’s grace.  God does give us more than we can handle, but not more than we can handle with His strength.  Since He is strong through everything, I guess that means I can handle everything through Him, right?  Hmm.  

And about my husband?  Yeah, I love him tons and tons, and that will not change.  I smile when I think about this meme:

Well, if my kids know nothing else other than that Philip and I are in love, I suppose I haven’t completely failed as a parent.  :)  Just because my kids are home and my emotions are a mess, well, God's grace got us this far, He will keep us from imploding. He is good, all the time, in every situation. God has given me an incredible husband who lets me cry on his shoulder, straightens out my jumbled thoughts, and puts me back together again. I fully intend on making good use of those broad shoulders of his!

In the meantime, pardon me for being in labor, pardon my air-headed-ness and my clingy-ness and my introvert-on-steroids tendencies.  Ha ha, leg-warmers on goats are becoming a regular sight around here.  <previous post here>


  1. my friend, :-) I smile and I cry when I read this because I remember the moment I had my breakdown, realizing the hugeness of not being "just the two of us" anymore. I love you bunches, and pray for you often.

  2. Oh love. How thankful I am to behold your journey. Your beauty shines through each post. Our Lord has given you such a tender heart. How thankful your husband and children will be for you. As you move through this labor, do what any mother dose as her pain increases, take a shower, take a bath, breathe deep and easy, sing, pray, wrap your arms around your husbands neck, cry and sway. Your labor is one of love. And know through all the fear pain and agony we around you love you and our Lord loves you. You have my prayers daily. You truly are a woman of worth...Her children rise up and call her blessed;
    her husband also, and he praises her:
    “Many women have done excellently,
    but you surpass them all.”
    Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
    but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

  3. When having one of those rough days, you look at your kids and you say to yourself, "They don't feel like gifts today... but they are still worth every bit of what we're giving them." They really are. I think about all the undeserved gifts of kindness, love, help (hey, is this grace?) and God's grace to me and it makes me so happy to get to pass it on.

    And hey, what many moms call isolation, you are probably going to LOVE, my introverted friend. I am neither introvert or extrovert (somewhere in the middle) and how often we get out is just about right for me. :-) I also remember the moment (when Anna was about a month old) when I realized that they were staying and it was permanent... I sat on the couch and cried. BUT - we laugh about it now, because we have found our stride and wouldn't ever want to go back!

    And I still stand behind this post... you WILL find your own way to do things:

    Really, I don't think you need any more blogs... just a few months with your kids and the transition behind you.

  4. Just re-read that blog post I linked to... and it's full of depressing language too. I had remembered it as a blog that encourages you to not try to be other parents and assimilate all information, but to trusty yourself figure out your own way of doing things.

  5. Ahhhhhh it sounds like you had a hidden camera in my house and are describing me the first 3 days after Jackson was born!!! I was thoroughly convinced I would never get to hug my husband again. Hahaha. Anyway, guess you're not alone!
    Keep up the realness - don't ever pretend to have it all together - that in itself can be such a gift to our kids!!!
    And wishing you the bestest remainder of your labor that through tears of pain and tears of joy produce a story you'd never part with!

  6. It is a hard transition from couple to couple+children. Your marriage will feel it in ways you never expected. You will face discouragement in things that just didn't happen when there were only two... You have the head-knowledge - knowing God's grace will carry you as you rest in Him - and He's going to give you an incredible heart-knowledge as you seek Him, broken and humble, a lump of clay He is molding with tender hands, proving Himself over and over and over... And I appreciate Mel Mell's comment above about "keeping it real" - our kids learn about God's grace through our transparency, and what incredible freedom can be found through Him! :-D