Yeah, so remember my last post? I compared a pregnant mom’s water breaking to this time that I’m in right now, waiting for Embassy. “It is a time of complete preoccupation with your children. Tears come easily, and the adoptive mom may not want to see anyone because she’s an emotional disaster.” I was a teary-puddle last night for a variety of reason but mostly because of sheer fright!
I think the emotions began as I contemplated being gone all weekend away from my husband at a ladies’ retreat. Seriously, there are so few evenings left with just my husband and without any kiddos. I selfishly don’t want to sacrifice them.
Also, after the barrage of blogs I’ve read and activities I’m doing, I just got scared. I appreciate people’s vulnerability, and I appreciate a reality check about motherhood. No, I don’t expect it to be all peaches and cream. There will be nutty moments, I completely understand this. But I guess I got caught up in the anticipation of imminent doom.
For example: one blog was about how lonely mothers get and how hard it is to meet other moms and get social interaction. Ugh. One blog was about “after the airport” and how a family gets so stressed after they bring their kiddos home and the novelty of black children has worn off. Ugh. I met with a friend (wonderful girl, wonderful mom, love her to pieces) yesterday afternoon and she shared in passing how, since they only have one car, she is pretty isolated when her husband is at work. Ugh. I’m scrapbooking our Ethiopia trip and looking at pictures of my Little Man screaming, envisioning years of such behavior. Ugh. And my Baby Girl not smiling. Ugh. I am looking at my house with about 18 projects in-process, and wondering how I am going to finish them all in the next few weeks. Ugh. And no, there is nothing anyone can do to help. Ugh. Oh, and the pile of laundry and dishes. Double Ugh.
I ended last night curled in the fetal position next to Philip, tears streaming down my face, wishing I had more time with just him. The last 7 ½ years have been great. There have been some hard (oh, so incredibly hard) times, but our marriage has been strong by the grace of God. I am not waiting on babies to be happy. I’m happy and content with just Philip. The idea that all this will change and be a distant memory is freaky. The joys of parenting were elusive last evening.
How on earth am I going to do this?? If one more person pats my hand and says, “Oh, it’ll be fine. You are going to be a great mom! Your kids are so lucky.” I just may be rude. Accidentally, of course. I don’t feel fine and I don’t know that I’m going to be a good mom. In fact, I feel rather like a disaster right now, completely incompetent, completely oblivious, completely unprepared for screaming, crying, pooping, loneliness. Maybe that is what happens when your water breaks. You realize that the “end is near” and you freak out. Theoretically, with some breathing and pushing, it will pass in time.
Thankfully, we have a good God. His Word is true. When He says that my kiddos are a gift and a reward (Ps. 127), ok. I will trust that. He gives good gifts. Screaming gifts, but still the gift is good. It is a blessing from the Most High to be entrusted with these two precious lives. Hmm.
So, I’m holding on to that truth today, and pressing ahead with God’s grace. God does give us more than we can handle, but not more than we can handle with His strength. Since He is strong through everything, I guess that means I can handle everything through Him, right? Hmm.
And about my husband? Yeah, I love him tons and tons, and that will not change. I smile when I think about this meme:
Well, if my kids know nothing else other than that Philip and I are in love, I suppose I haven’t completely failed as a parent. :) Just because my kids are home and my emotions are a mess, well, God's grace got us this far, He will keep us from imploding. He is good, all the time, in every situation. God has given me an incredible husband who lets me cry on his shoulder, straightens out my jumbled thoughts, and puts me back together again. I fully intend on making good use of those broad shoulders of his!
In the meantime, pardon me for being in labor, pardon my air-headed-ness and my clingy-ness and my introvert-on-steroids tendencies. Ha ha, leg-warmers on goats are becoming a regular sight around here. <previous post here>