This past weekend, Philip and I had our Module 2 Krav Maga testing. Saturday was the 8+ hour training session and then Sunday was a 6-hour test.
I didn't know any of the people there besides my husband, and there wasn't another girl to train with. I tried to be a tough partner for the guys, but I got the stuffing beat out of me. Many of the combatives and defenses were new, so I was learning on the fly. The last 3 hours of training I was on the verge of tears because I hurt and was exhausted. Reflecting on the day, I considered not going back for the test on Sunday. It was just too hard.
As I prayed that evening, I tried to remember verses that could be encouraging. Things like "bodily discipline is only of little profit, but godliness is profitable for all things" (1 Tim 4:8) came to mind. Obviously God places more value on spiritual discipline and relationships with Him than simply physical exercises. But did He place any value on what I was trying to do?
I had been working hard, eating healthy and pushing myself physically, only to realize the legitimate possibility that I might not pass. My best might not be enough on this one.
Slowly I began to remember chapters like Psalm 18 (one of my tattoos):
"It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure...He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze."
Mostly dead. I think this was the
third shirt. I ended up soaking 4.
"With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall."
Maybe God didn't completely ignore the physical? Maybe there was a chance He would give me His strength?
It didn't make sense. Sure, I can trust God to help me have integrity because He values justice. He will help me show love to others because He values mercy. He teaches me and guides me and reminds me to walk humbly. He demonstrates how to put others before myself because He values sacrifice. But where does He value choke defenses, knee strikes, and punching combinations??!
I forgot that He values me.
The test was brutal, exhausting and I'm certain I bombed several (read: many) elements. However, I still felt ok about it at the end. I ended up with a fantastic partner (who kicks like a mule) who had my back. My muscles ached, my fine motor skills evaporated, and my gross motor skills became more and more... gross. I never felt energized, but somehow, by God's grace and a ton of energy bars, I just kept going. And going.
|A timely reminder to stop|
Many things in the past have caused me to think more of my actions and less of my value. I forget that God's love is personal and is not based on me doing the right things. It's based on His promise to love me as His child and His immutable (unchanging) character. I make decisions based on His values, but within that I can make choices based on my preferences.
God keeps teaching me that He isn't aloof and uncaring about these preferences. He reminds me that He knows what I deeply desire and it is His delight to be a good Father. He values me and sees me, not just what I do.
As I chatted with my friend over the course of an hour or so, I realized that I hadn't actually expected God to help me through an unnecessary/nonessential physical test, despite all my prayers to Him asking for His help. I expected this test to be below His regard.
Despite my unbelief, God showed Himself kind. I survived, though I do not anticipate doing Module 3 anytime soon. So, for now, I get to rest in a greater understanding of God's character, and down more ibuprofen for my poor aching muscles.