Beating My Head Agains the Wall, Part 2

There's not good introduction to this post, except that we need prayer, wisdom, and a little emotional space, please. Midnight, this evening, I checked my e-mail. Our agency wrote and said that they had not received the re-accreditation they had applied for, and would be closing in a few months. Yup. We were pretty much speechless, too. Just this past week we were celebrating that we were the 4^th family on “The List” and were expecting a phone call about our kids any day. Now we're kinda at a loss.

The programs director (who has been super wonderful, by the way), sent us a personal message in addition, saying that there might be 4 referrals coming in within a few weeks, and we might be referred a child, though we would have no control over the age/gender. Our agency might be able to complete these last adoptions before they close. Maybe. If not, we would have to seek out another agency and transfer our paperwork there.

It is so true that “man plans his ways, but the Lord directs his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9).

Yes, I had a “beating my head against the wall” moment. (Or two). To be faced with the real possibility of bringing home only one child, or maybe even having to change agencies (and wait longer?? with more paperwork??), I certainly had a few moments of frustration. Frustration at God, to be shamefully honest. He clearly led us to adopt two kids, and now that's possibly changed. He clearly led us towards the baby in Pennsylvania, and that changed. He clearly led us into this adoption process, and the process keeps getting longer. He clearly led us to pursue the little boy from Brazil, and that changed. Ok, really? How many more of my heart strings need to be yanked around?

Every single one of those “frustrations” listed above has had a very profound reason for it. We didn't see it in the moment, but looking back, every one of those instances has truly been for our good. Every one. If we had not met the little boy in Brazil, we might not have become excited about adoption at all. God used the Pennsylvania-baby experience to open our hearts to two children. He used the loooooong wait to give me space to process my parents' divorce. I'm glad I didn't drag children through that emotional mess with me. He has been faithful, every moment of this process, even when I don't see Him at work. And He is faithful, still.

We do not serve a manipulative god that enjoys taunting us with false hope. We serve a God who sees. He sees my childrens' needs, He sees their tears and smiles. He sees me over here with arms that ache to hold a little brown-skinned kiddo. He sees my husband who is wrapped around his daughter's finger, even though he hasn't met her yet. And, we serve a God that cares and loves.

As I knelt with hands uplifted, crying out to God, I once again surrendered myself, my family, my kids to His hands. I trust Him. In John 6:68, Peter is faced with the option of leaving Christ. He replies with the question: “Lord, to whom shall we go?” Indeed, our hope is in Him who is Faithful. There is none other.

I have no clue what is ahead for our family. None. Here I thought that (finally!) all my ducks were in a row and we were on the homeward stretch of this journey. And now I have more questions than answers. But it's ok.

I'll keep my blog as updated as I can. We should be hearing more by Tuesday of this next week. I have virtually no other information than what I have shared with you. I'm tempted to say “please don't ask” but I know that your questions are an expression of love and encouragement, and I truly appreciate it.

With that note, I'll sign off and try to get some sleep. Thanks for bearing with me, and thanks for your prayers. We covet them more than ever. 

A doodle while I was waiting at the laundromat today.
I look forward to our kids having a Daddy.